It’s Starting to Rain….

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Let me first say that I apologize. Before coming to see you I wanted to get something off my chest. Something that has been bothering me for a long time. Something we should have discussed long ago.

I apologize for not being more of a man for you. When we were young I didn’t know what I had or how to be a better mate for you. It was always about me. I went behind your back. I lied. I didn’t hold onto you as hard as I should have. After our son was born, I remember thinking everything with us was going to be better but we only got worse. At the time I was thinking, that a little time apart was all that we needed. But as the years went by and we never got back together, a piece of me died. I played happy when inside I was crying out for you. Women came in my life. Men came in yours. They never matched the love we had for one another. I would pine for your touch or to be able to wake up to you in these days. Even when the world told me to let go I still longed for the love we once shared.

As time pass we were able to finally pick up the pieces. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I came to you and basically said it’s all or nothing and without you I’m nothing. It was raining outside and I was soaking wet. Almost got in a car wreck on the way to you and never told you. I was scared out of my mind that you would deny me. But you gave me a hug and a simple kiss and from there I knew you were mine again. From there we lived a better life than we lived previously. Our kids had kids and they had kids and two people who were once babies, now had a whole family underneath them. I didn’t need anything else. To see our grandchildren smile and run to you and to see all we had been through fulfilled, completed me more than anything in this world. I could’ve died a happy and fulfilled man no question about it.

But I didn’t. You did.

I want to kiss you one last time baby. Our kids want to kiss you. A touch, a hug, anything. Our home is empty now. For a long time I asked God why you and not me first. It wasn’t suppose to be this way. This pain is never ending because there is no where I can go physically to get you back. I see you in my dreams and my ever waking thoughts. I miss you baby. All those years we spent apart I wish we could’ve spent together knowing what I know now.

The other day I went for a walk in the park alone to get some air. Although my knees aren’t what they once were, they got me around pretty good.You remember when you fell down that hill of mud? Yeah, I almost fell down one once today. I ended up having to sit down on the edge of the lake with the dirt trail behind me to finally relax. I thought about you, the kids, when I would see you again, and just our life together. I started feeling down on myself again thinking about things I couldn’t change. I finally sat up to leave and as I turned around, I saw an older couple walking down a cement path together. Now I know what you might be thinking and no it didn’t make me more depressed. It actually filled my heart with joy. The reason being is because it allowed me to see true love once again. Something I haven’t seen since the last time I looked in your eyes. Something I hope to do one day soon for the rest of eternity.

Sorry to ramble baby. It’s starting to rain a little now. By the time I walk from here to my car and out the cemetery, it’ll probably be pouring and while I can’t wait to see you I don’t want to go out under water. I’ll be back next week to tell you about our grandchild and his wife’s big mouth. Love you darling. Now and forever.

~Confucius Jones

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